Time & Starving

The trees changed, lately.

Autumn hit and the colors went from green to orange like usual.

I remembered the time I went out last winter.

And I realized with a shock that it was getting colder.

I realized I’d stayed indoors all summer, and had barely spent time in the heat.

Which isn’t all bad, I guess.

I’m really fragile in the heat, and it makes me sick very easily.

But I still felt really sad about it.

I felt guilty for not going outside more, even if I knew I wouldn’t have felt good if I had.

Isn’t that strange?

To feel badly for not doing something I would have regretted?

Maybe we all do things like that, one way or another.

I know it wasn’t really the heat that I missed or avoided.

It was just going outside.

I felt like I’d missed a whole season. A whole part of my life.

Not long after that day, I got to thinking about time.

About how much of it had gone by so quickly.

I started trying to count up all the things I’d done in the last week, month, year.

And I felt worse and worse, the less I felt like I was counting.

I wanted to think “well at least I have fond memories with friends”.

But I didn’t have many of those, either.

When I tried to think about the things I had spent my time on..

A lot of it was depression. Guilt.

I spent a lot of time lamenting the fact that I felt like I’d wasted time.

I started to get really depressed about it.

I felt worthless, for not having more work to show for the time gone by.

I felt like if I didn’t have more books to sell, it meant I’d wasted parts of my life.

Or, if nothing else, if I couldn’t at least smile back on fond memories, that I was really..

doing something wrong with my existence

So I decided starting from here on out, I’m going to try to do better.

I know it will be hard. And maybe in a day or two, I won’t believe myself.

But even if I don’t work every single day, or have a lot of books or money in another year..

If I can at least remember having fun days I enjoyed with friends, it’s worth it.

It’s okay to not have a ton of money or fame or things.

So long as I can think of the time that went by and remember I enjoyed most of it.

Right now, I don’t feel that way at all.

And it makes me really sad.

But that’s okay. Cause I’m going to try again.

It’s really easy to get lost in thinking,

that if you don’t spend every moment doing something productive,

you’re wasting time

But don’t think like that

It’s okay to waste time.

It’s okay to get nothing done for today, tomorrow, the day after.

People won’t love you less, for just wanting to stop.

For not feeling like it.

And if they do- you need rid of them.

They are bad for you. They will hurt you.

They are hurting you.

It’s okay to just spend a day sleeping,

or reading,

or doing that thing you really love that doesn’t earn you money.

I know it’s hard

and I know the guilt makes you sick sometimes

but I won’t love you any less if you take some time off.

Just take care of yourself.

It’s alright.

We all need a little while to feed our souls.

You can starve parts of yourself besides just your body, you know.